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How To Achieve Nothing (SEO How To)

Here’s a quick run-down of how you can achieve zero visibility in search engines and zero conversions for your website.

Please use all methods listed to ensure your website achieves absolutely nothing.

  1. Add a splash page with music and heavy moving images. This is like a little dance to get people in the mood for visiting the actual content of your site
  2. Create a completely Flash website
    • Make sure you don’t add any useful metadata
    • Don’t create a HTML version
    • Don’t check whether your visitor uses Flash, or what version
    • Don’t optimise your files, everyone’s got broadband now so it doesn’t matter
    • Don’t provide alternative text
    • Don’t use keyboard access
    • Auto play music files
  3. Don’t use an analytics package to track what’s going on with your website, it’s much more exciting playing in the dark
  4. Use a professional development package like Microsoft Frontpage, or even better MS Word
  5. Use JavaScript for your menus
  6. Keep your JavaScript neatly embedded at the top of your main pages, above your content
  7. Use images for your text
  8. Don’t bother with the alt text for your images
  9. Ignore that new fangled CSS, use lots of in-line styles, you can change any text to any font/colour/style combo, mmm… colourful
  10. Use frames to construct your pages
  11. Use tables to lay out your content
  12. Don’t do any testing, it’s important to avoid testing the following
    • Forms
    • Automated emails
    • Checkout process
    • The url your Pay Per Click adverts go to
    • How the site looks in different browsers or platforms
    • How your site looks with Flash, JavaScript and Images turned off
  13. Make some of your pages PDF, Word or Excel files, variety is the spice of life
  14. Don’t add anything to the metadata or the title of your document, the default should work for everyone
  15. Make your users work for your product, remember you’re worth it
    • Make visitors register before they can browse
    • Ask as many questions as possible on forms – you never know when you’ll need to know your customer’s eye colour or fax number
    • Spread your checkout forms over a number of long pages
    • Don’t indicate how long they have left in the checkout process, it would ruin the surprise
  16. Don’t reassure your visitors
    • If you have payment processes on your site, don’t bother with those SSL certificates, my mate Dave can get you one
    • When the purchase is complete, send them straight to the home page, you’re customers are strong, ‘thank you’ pages are for the weak
  17. Use sexy add-ons that may make the site load time longer, but make your site look wicked
    • Use pop-ups
    • Use scrolling, blinking, flashing glittering text (think MySpace baby!)
    • Make your logo spin, once you’ve learnt how to do it, you can make every logo spin
  18. Finally, once you’ve made your website, don’t change it, leave it to mature, like a lovely Stilton.

fin

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  • http://www.pushon.co.uk Roy Wilding

    Brilliant list Kat! Although you’ve missed off one of my favourites.

    “Do make your forms error check after submission and when fields are missed, remove previously completed field data without informing the user.”

  • Katrina Gallagher

    Good one, I like it!

    In fact, that has to be my favourite user experience, particularly with the work we do, it makes the joy of link building that bit more special!

  • http://www.crearecommunications.co.uk Search engine ricky

    Excellent list Kat and veeeerrryy funny! It amazes me how some websites can do nearly all these things, i work for a company called Creare Communications and have been trained on how to do Search Engine Optimisation properly, you would not believe the amount of companies who just don’t have a clue lol

  • Katrina Gallagher

    Thanks Ricky, glad you liked it!
    I’ve been having a nosey at your blog, you’ve got some good stuff one there,
    K

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  • http://www.logicdesign.co.uk Howie

    Ah, this is great – can’t remember how I got on it but I think I have to run through all of these points with our customers everyday and why not to have them. I don’t get it though, why do people always want these things, who on earth needs a spinning logo?? (We’ve had to do this on two different occasions now…) Great post!