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Top 5 Things People Do On Twitter That Get On My Tits

Disclaimer:

This blog post is the thoughts and opinions of one very cynical, grumpy, sweary, company director and does not in any way reflect the opinions and values of PushON as a whole. We appologise in advance if any of the swearing offends. If you are offended easily you may want to look away now.

I was fairly late to the #party with Twitter, dismissing it as a time wasting excuse for avoiding work and a self-promoting bag of bollocks. It was in May 2007 I bit the 140 character bullet and created an account but initially it’s fair to say I wasn’t enamoured.

Here’s my first tweet:

Signing up to twitter to see what it’s all about and attempting to display within a blog template May 22, 2007

If you’re interested (I doubt you are) here’s all my tweets on one page.

Since then I’ve become a regularly user of twitter for a mix of both social and professional reasons. It was slow going to start and looking back I’ve certainly changed and adapted the way I use the medium as time has gone on.

Initial inane tweets during the formative years of 2007, good examples of which are:

So this should be a twitter by mobile phone. May 22, 2007

Haha what a douche bag ‘a twitter’, it’s a tweet you dumb fuck!

Sat in dukes Jun 04, 2007

Everyone needed to know that, right? I think this pre-dates FourSquare, which I’ve never been bothered to sign up to, although I did try generating interest in an alternative during 2010 with a series (actually just 2) of #PoorSquare tweets,

I just unlocked the cheap clothing badge at clothing isle in Tesco on #PoorSQUARE Apr 22, 2010

Just unlocked the “Fine Dining” badge at McDonalds on #Poorsquare Apr 28, 2010

No one else got on board with that though surprisingly.

My only tweet from the following year (I’d fully decided that Twitter was a self-promoting pile of shite at this point),

Using Twitter for the first time in a year because it’s most immediate way to take the piss out of business parnetner prior to his vasectomy May 21, 2008

Ignoring my mis-spelling of ‘partner’, this was obviously a pivotal moment of the year. Simon @psychobel was fully immersed in all things twitter at this point, so much so, that he was live tweeting his snip.

I remember some fairly heated debates that year with Simon championing the social media platform and me repeatedly pointing out that few people outside of our industry were engaging on it. That’s still true to some degree (from a personal perspective certainly), however I’m prepared to admit that it’s more valuable and useful than I’d first foreseen (Queue Wharton singing, “I told you so”) and my use of twitter has increased steadily since early 2010.

That said there are some uses of twitter that frankly get right on my tits and it’s time to get them off said tits. I’m aware this might ruffle some feathers (clearly people I follow do this or why would they annoy me) and I’m aware that I’m guilty on times of some of the things I’m going to list.

So here they are; the top 5 things people do on twitter that get on my tits.

Number 5: Use Instagram

I’m not an Instagram user, I can’t see your photo in the twitter stream and I’m not going to click on the link to open Instagram just because you’ve taken a photo of a nice sunset and applied a shitty filter.

Another Bloody Instagram Sunset

NUMBER 4: Holiday Tweets

It’s 27c here, the beer is cold and the babes are hot

I’m in Manchester, it’s pissing it down and I’m working, go f*%&$ ya self.

The view here is absolutely stunning, spot of lunch and a snooze by the pool later I think [Instagram photo link]

How about putting your phone away and making the most of it before you’re back at work, back on twitter and banging on about the shit UK weather wishing you were somewhere else.

Number 3: Parents tweeting about their kids

I don’t have kids, I might at some point and maybe then I’ll convince myself that everyone should know when they’ve stuck a biscuit in the Blu-ray drive and how we all laughed.

I remember the embarrassment as a child of my parents showing photos from the photo album to family, friends, neighbours and visitors, I can’t imagine what it must be like to be a child of today and have your parents broadcast your childhood to the world.

Don’t get me started on parents creating Twitter accounts for their children and worse still, the little darlings yet to be born.

“@benjmurf: Never leave a 2-year-old child and a tub of sudocrem alone in a room together! pic.twitter.com/4zw2vnrUUb” – Actually that one is pretty funny

Number 2: #Foodporn

Where to start with this one? Well first off it’s the self-congratulating, boasting nature that nearly all my top 5 have at heart but in most instances it’s less #Foodporn and more like #StandardFood

Here’s some examples (I had to break my Instagram rule on some of these),

http://instagram.com/p/YZ-wpFH1Wh - That’s not #Foodporn that a fucking toasted cheese sandwich.

https://twitter.com/JohanHakon/status/326366802504466432/photo/1 - #Foodporn? small dishes of custardy looking shit more like.

http://instagram.com/p/YXYWYLKhLUOh dear @nedpoulter, sorry buddy that’s just a sausage sandwich, you know this shit won’t wash with me.

Small dishes of custardy looking shit

Number 1: Self congratulating retweets

This really is my number one twitter pet hate and frankly I can forgive all others over this one. These are instance where someone has said something positive about someone else over twitter and then the recipient of that praise chooses to retweet that praise to highlight how fucking wonderful they are.

Have some humility people. Do you replicate this amplified back slapping away from twitter? If I walked across a room to you and said “Thanks for helping you were great today”, would you then open the window and shout to everyone passing “@roywilding says THANKS FOR HELPING I WAS FUCKING GREAT TODAY”? I doubt it.

So unless you’re the sort of idiot who refers to themselves in the 3rd person, take the compliment and say, ‘thank you’ but don’t retweet it thinking everyone else wants to see how great you are.

Look, I’m fucking amazing, someone said so!

 

So that’s it, my top 5 twitter hates. I’m really not a very nice person so don’t be expecting a ‘top 5 twitter loves’ anytime soon, but please do feel free to share your thoughts on what really yanks your chain about twitter or tell me I’m a cynical, boring old twat that can stick my opinions where the sun doesn’t shine.

I’m just off to promote my own blog post and tell everyone how amazing it is on Google+.

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