Here’s a quick run-down of how you can achieve zero visibility in search engines and zero conversions for your website.
Please use all methods listed to ensure your website achieves absolutely nothing.
- Add a splash page with music and heavy moving images. This is like a little dance to get people in the mood for visiting the actual content of your site
- Create a completely Flash website
- Make sure you don’t add any useful metadata
- Don’t create a HTML version
- Don’t check whether your visitor uses Flash, or what version
- Don’t optimise your files, everyone’s got broadband now so it doesn’t matter
- Don’t provide alternative text
- Don’t use keyboard access
- Auto play music files
- Don’t use an analytics package to track what’s going on with your website, it’s much more exciting playing in the dark
- Use a professional development package like Microsoft Frontpage, or even better MS Word
- Use JavaScript for your menus
- Keep your JavaScript neatly embedded at the top of your main pages, above your content
- Use images for your text
- Don’t bother with the alt text for your images
- Ignore that new fangled CSS, use lots of in-line styles, you can change any text to any font/colour/style combo, mmm… colourful
- Use frames to construct your pages
- Use tables to lay out your content
- Don’t do any testing, it’s important to avoid testing the following
- Forms
- Automated emails
- Checkout process
- The url your Pay Per Click adverts go to
- How the site looks in different browsers or platforms
- How your site looks with Flash, JavaScript and Images turned off
- Make some of your pages PDF, Word or Excel files, variety is the spice of life
- Don’t add anything to the metadata or the title of your document, the default should work for everyone
- Make your users work for your product, remember you’re worth it
- Make visitors register before they can browse
- Ask as many questions as possible on forms – you never know when you’ll need to know your customer’s eye colour or fax number
- Spread your checkout forms over a number of long pages
- Don’t indicate how long they have left in the checkout process, it would ruin the surprise
- Don’t reassure your visitors
- If you have payment processes on your site, don’t bother with those SSL certificates, my mate Dave can get you one
- When the purchase is complete, send them straight to the home page, you’re customers are strong, ‘thank you’ pages are for the weak
- Use sexy add-ons that may make the site load time longer, but make your site look wicked
- Use pop-ups
- Use scrolling, blinking, flashing glittering text (think MySpace baby!)
- Make your logo spin, once you’ve learnt how to do it, you can make every logo spin
- Finally, once you’ve made your website, don’t change it, leave it to mature, like a lovely Stilton.
