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The Psychopaths’ Guide to SEO

(Also known as Ultra Black Hat SEO)

We all know that the future of “Inbound Marketing” is going to be creating “great content that people will want to share”. But what about the future of Black Hat SEO? How will their desire to get results at any cost evolve over the coming years?

As Google gets better at detecting unnatural link acquisition, how will they adapt? What are the methods that future Black Hat SEOs will use? In this future, only the Black Hat SEOs willing to cross every moral and ethical boundary will get the visitors they need to their “male growth” sites. Some will call these people “psychopaths” but we prefer the term “Ultra Black Hat” and here are some of the techniques we believe they will use.

OUTREACH WILL BE A CORE COMPONENT OF BOTH WHITE HAT AND ULTRA BLACK HAT SEO

Letter

A modern outreach email and an Ultra Black Hat ransom demand. Same results?

Whitehats will offer helpful content, social exposure and an on-going relationship in return for links and shared traffic.
Ultra Blackhats will offer the safe return of your loved ones that they kidnapped, as well as their body parts as proof that you-don’t-want-to-fuck-with-them. All they ask for in return is a contextual homepage link from your website. And that you don’t think about calling the police because then you’ll never see your loved ones again if you do.

BOTH WILL OFFER WEBSITE OWNERS COMPELLING REASONS TO GIVE YOU A LINK

This was a logo a publisher made for a charity

A nice company made this charity a logo

Ultra Black Hat “Link Earning”

White hat SEOs will create content, do awesomely cool things and offer their time and expertise to help people.

Ultra Black Hat SEOs will break into your office, eat your lunch and place a gun against your head and threaten to shoot you unless you give them a link to their Natural Herbal Viagra site from your PR6 business blog. Because it’s not about link building, it’s about a link earning you the right to live.

BOTH WILL LEARN THE BENEFITS OF IDENTIFYING INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE IN YOUR NICHE AND “BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS” WITH THEM

Events like this are great places to meet bloggers

His name is Matt Cutts

Matt is actually married

White Hats have already learned the benefit of building relationships with bloggers, trade associations and social media celebrities. White Hat SEOs will find this becoming a bigger part of the job – whether it’s sending a blogger your client’s product to review or organising an industry event to connect with the industry “influencers”.

Ultra Black Hat SEOs will hire high class Russian escorts to pose as a masseuses at Google, seduce Matt Cutts and then use the photos of the sordid affair to get the Penguin 1.0 algorithmic penalties removed from their Pay Day Loans site.

BOTH WILL BE CONCERNED ABOUT CREATING OTHER SOURCES OF TRAFFIC SO THEY’RE NOT DEPENDENT ON GOOGLE

Petflow are one of the brands that does social media the best

Petflow are one of the best brands for social

It's a reference to the film

A UBH SEO with YOUR laptop. Last night.

White Hat SEOs will create partnerships with popular sites in their niche for traffic and cross-promotion. They’ll use social platforms/monitoring to promote their products and multi-channel marketing to build up name recognition for branded searches.

Ultra Black Hat SEOs will break into your house again and install military grade malware on your laptop that replaces Google with a site that looks identical but puts their penny stock and forex trading site to the top every time you search for kitty pics. Then they’ll break into your neighbors house and do the same until everyone is using their version of Google. Ex-FSB operatives descending into your house on ropes as you sleep could well be the new XRumer.

BOTH WILL MAKE USE OF VIDEOS

Dollar Shave Club and sexy old Rand

DollarShaveClub and Rand have proven the benefit of online videos

Someone picking their nose. I'm amused that I got this from Flickr

You. Yesterday when you thought no-one was looking. Source: Flickr

White Hat SEOs will create video content that elicits an emotional reaction, generates social shares, links and helps build their brand. Stuff so cool that you’ll want to show your mom.

Ultra Black Hat SEOs will secretly film you… picking your nose and threaten to send the tapes to your mum unless you do exactly what they say and buy their 100% genuine Rolex watches.

BOTH WILL CREATE RESOURCES AND CONTENT

iAquire's brilliant guides are sweet

iAquire’s guides are pretty sweet

Girl captive from blogger spammers

Click the link for her list

White Hat SEOs will hire experts in their niche to generate well written/produced content that helps people make decisions at the top of the buyers funnel. This will position then as an authority within their niche, attract links and serve a useful purpose.

Ultra Black Hat SEOs will enslave your kidnapped daughter and other loved ones by chaining them to a desk and forcing them to list 10 funny things about zombies for their weight loss pill re-marketing site. And it better get at least 10 tweets if she wants to eat.

Both will try to safeguard their sites against future Google updates

You SHALL NOT SPAM

No shortcuts…

Less time consuming than reading Google’s patents?

Whitehats will follow Google’s guidelines and will avoid cheap tactics that may work today because they understand that today’s solutions can be tomorrow’s penalties. By acting in a creative and natural way, they ensure their clients will be protected from future Google updates.

Ultra Black Hat SEOs will protect their sites by driving to Google’s Mountain View complex and abducting a senior engineer so that they can waterboard torture them for information about their anti-spam algorithms. Google have traditionally been quite secretive about disclosing the inner workings of their algorithms to white hat SEOs. It remains to be seen if the threat of a cattle prod aimed at Amit Singhal’s testicles would be enough to persuade him to tell UBH SEOs how to hide their evil manipulative tactics or how to stay just below the thresholds without being penalised.

Whilst waiting, they’ll hide in the Google webspam break room, licking each individual Kellogg’s Frostie so it turns back into a regular cornflake. Why? Cos they’re badasses.

IN CONCLUSION

A Black Hat forum circa 2015?

 

It’s impossible to say who will win this fight. Mostly because I’m sure these people exist and they’re probably pretty scary.

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